Cadon Joy
About Cadon Joy
"There would not be this deep of hurt, if there wasn't such depth of love"
- Camilla Coates
My precious Cadon Joy,
You were longed for, prayed for, and long awaited. You took over 3 years to
conceive. We had finally made peace that our family must already be complete,
but surprise! We were overwhelmingly excited and thankful for our new bundle
of joy. We decided yet again, to be surprised and not find out your gender. It
makes the months of awaiting your arrival that much more magical, as we
wonder what you are, what you will look like, and who you will grow up to be.
Our time together with you in my womb was so special. I truly embraced
pregnancy and felt so in tune with you.
Our family experienced an extreme tragedy and unimaginable loss that made
finding joy in life a feat that felt like it may never happen again. So, I begged you
to come soon and to bring me some joy. And you did. You came fast and furious
in less than two hours from the first contraction. The minutes after you were born
are moments I wish I could forget. As much of an emergency your arrival caused, I
do not think I realized the gravity of the situation until I saw you for the first time
after arriving at the hospital. That was the first time I was able to take you in. You
were so beautiful and perfect in every way. You look so much like me. You have
my nose, my facial shape, and even my cleft chin, just like your sister.
I touched you, held your limp hand, rubbed your soft hair, and kissed your full
cheeks. It took seeing you to know your name should be Cadon Joy, because even
in this tragedy you brought me joy. Rubbing my nose to yours and stroking your
perfectly long feet and toes and wrapping your perfectly long fingers on mine,
brought me joy. For 10 days we traveled back and forth to the NICU soaking every
inch of you in for as long as we could. The first time I held you at 3 days old, I was
filled with joy. No one could’ve wiped the smile off my face. Although you were
laid on a cooling blanket and none of our skin even touched, my uterus clamped
down and my breasts filled with milk for you instantly. My body knew you, and
even my body felt joy.
We prayed constantly for you and over you for a miracle. We fervently prayed for
complete healing and that we would one day bring you home. All the while
knowing how profoundly ill you were. We held out hope, we fought for you, we
advocated for you. And you fought. Your perfect body went through so much in
those first 10 days. On your 10 th day, the day we knew was coming, had come.
Sadness, anger, fear, but mostly sadness flooded through us. But we knew we
wanted you “home.” We didn’t know if our wishes would or even could be
honored but I knew I wanted you in my arms rocking you as you met Jesus. That
night you got to meet all your grandparents and meet your brother and sister for
the first time. And after a very peaceful night sleep together in bed just the three
of us, we brought you home.
We dedicated you to the Lord and let other family and friends meet you and tell
you hello and goodbye and then the time came…
I got to hold you for the first-time skin to skin without tubes of any kind. I rocked
you and hummed to you as you went to Heaven. As sorrowful and sad as that
moment was, I felt an unexplainable peace. The next few hours with you were
pure joy. I tried to enjoy every moment I had with you. Those moments will never
be enough. I want more. I will always want more with you. More kisses and
snuggles, just more time. My heart literally aches for you. I long to hold you and
to nurse you. I long to hear your cry and to sing you a lullaby. I will forever
wonder who you would have grown up to be.
I wish the questions your brother and sister ask us had different answers. I wish
they could hold you and give you your paci and help change your diaper. I wish for
more of the joy I felt when I was with you. Giving you back to Jesus was the
hardest thing I have and will ever go through. I hope you know how wanted and
loved you are and how much joy you brought us in your short 11 days on this
earth. I will forever wish you were here for me to hold but I am praying for
comfort knowing you’re in the arms of Jesus instead, my precious little angel.
Love, your mother
Her Birth Story
Cadon's birth was precipitous, lasting only one hour and fifty minutes from the first contraction. I went in for a routine prenatal visit on the day before her birth at 40 weeks exactly where I had a cervical exam and a membrane sweep. I was already very dilated and fully effaced with no signs of labor. As my midwife suggested, we agreed to do a "midwife cocktail" with castor oil to get things moving the next day, 5/27. Around 7 hours after I had taken the cocktail, my water broke in a bath and strong contractions began. I labored standing and walking around for some time until the birthing pool was filled with water. Once in the birthing tub, my children laid their hands on me, prayed for me, and brought me endless amounts of ice and water. They were so supportive and excited. My daughter, Brailla, even put on her bathing suit, ready to jump in with me. I went through transition fast as I was already 6cms before labor began. I began bearing down and pushing within 30 minutes of labor beginning. My midwife lived around an hour away from me so I was already pushing and +2 station when she arrived. Labor was fast but she required a lot of pushing to get her in and out of the birth canal. It seemed as if it were going to be the perfect home birth. My husband was in the pool behind me supporting me and giving me words of encouragement and counter pressure. She crowned for around 10 minutes and then she was born. Her labor and delivery seemed to go very smoothly, however our reality quickly changed. Cadon was born pale, limp, and with no respiratory effort. Cadon needed prompt PPV (positive pressure ventilation). EMS was called and they intubated her in the home and an ambulance took both Cadon and I to our local hospital for treatment.
Her NICU Story
Cadon Joy's hypoxic brain injury was very severe making her prognosis very grim. Cadon flat lined twice and had to be revived and needed a life supportive ventilator. She was immediately put in to a hypothermic state after arriving at the hospital in hopes to prevent further brain damage and possibly reverse some mild damage. She was in this state for 72 hours. During this time she did go in to multi organ failure and required very many medications and transfusions to keep her heart rate and blood pressure at a near optimal level. She also began to have seizure like activity and required a sedative. She was deathly sick. She tolerated re-warming very well and all of her organs began to perfuse correctly and began to heal themselves. She slowly began to wean off of all medications, including later her sedative. The only thing keeping her alive at this point was her ventilator and nutrition via her PICC line. At one point they believe she aspirated something as her 02 stats were plummeting and there was something showing on her X-ray. She required an oscillating vent which made her vibrate. She never once moved, opened her eyes, or responded to any reflex or pain. At day 7 she was given EPO from the HEAL trial as a trial medication to possibly help improve her brain damage. We knew how sick our daughter was but we kept having hope and begging God to preform a miracle. We never got our miracle. On day 10, Cadon was well enough to be placed on a regular vent and was finally able to have her MRI and EEG. It was these tests that confirmed our worst fear, she was brain dead. Her brain damage was so severe, she was going to succumb to her injury alone. We were informed of the graphic nature of how exactly that would happen and we knew what we had to do. It would have been a horrible way to die, so we decided to remove her life support. We brought her home with family and friends and we loved on her as went to Heaven.